


Core Values

by AJHall



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Boss/Employee Relationship, Canon Compliant, Gen, Sexual Harassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-16
Updated: 2013-05-16
Packaged: 2017-12-12 01:09:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/805391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AJHall/pseuds/AJHall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Torchwood has, surprisingly enough, a HR department. And the lot of the Torchwood HR department is not a happy one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Core Values

To: All Staff  
From: HR Director  
Importance: High  
Subject: Half-Year Review - Some Essential Reminders

As we are all aware, we at Torchwood have undergone a drastic downsizing and restructuring exercise during Q1 and Q2 of the current period. Painful as the process has been, the Board is confident that we have now turned the corner and that the organisation is poised to build on its strengths over the coming months to emerge as a strong and vital entity with continued assured growth potential.

However, achieving our goals requires the personal commitment of every one of us to our core Torchwood Values. It is with considerable disappointment therefore that I find myself once again having to draw attention to a number of administrative matters where recent performance has been, frankly, unacceptable. 

While some interruption to office procedures has been an inevitable consequence of recent events, we simply cannot afford to let our standards slip here. Adminstration should be the easy part: after all, none of this is exactly rocket science.

Staff attention is therefore specifically drawn to the following. These are core Torchwood procedures and policies, and failure to comply with them could result in disciplinary action including formal written warnings or dismissal to anti-matter dimensions and/or stations of maximum peril.

  1. Torchwood prides itself on being an equal opportunities employer. This does not, however, excuse branch managers from complying with Torchwood standard recruitment policies and procedures, including the preparation of a proper, supported business case for recruitment. Without wishing to single anybody out, “It just sorta wandered in one day from the Pleocene era and it looked kinda cute so we decided to keep it” does not constitute a proper, supported business case for recruitment.

  2. The attention of staff is once again drawn to the ETT Acceptable Use Policy. You have all been issued with a copy: read it! In particular, please note that the use of extra-terrestrial technology for personal reasons is strictly forbidden in all circumstances, and that remote (off-site) use of ETT is only permitted with specific advance written permission at branch manager level or higher and in accordance with policy guidelines.

  3. Staff are expressly reminded that Torchwood standard operating practice with regard to any novel piece of ETT which they may come across in the course of their duties does not include wandering off alone with it and twiddling with its protrusions until something disturbing happens. Mysterious alien artefacts are not PlaystationTwos, however much they may superficially resemble them!

  4. Following on from the above, will people please be more informative when filling out the Accident Book? With the best will in the world minor workplace incidents and injuries do happen, and the purpose of the Accident Book is to keep a full record so we can plan to avoid the same happening again. Again, without singling anyone out, entries such as “PTSD (?guilt-induced) following rape/murder victim-pov flashback. Treatment: went to singles bar again” tend, I’m afraid, to raise more questions than answers.

  5. Torchwood has taken the step of obtaining a formal opinion from an eminent criminal law barrister regarding a number of queries recently raised over the confidential staff counselling help-line . Staff are advised that “alien pheromones made me do it” is unlikely to constitute a good defence in English law, and that “alien pheromones made _her_ do it” will be likely to be considered aggravating rather than mitigating evidence in any criminal proceedings.

  6. The attention of all staff is drawn to the Torchwood _Dignity at Work and Prevention of Sexual Harassment Policy_. You are all reminded this does form an integral part of your contract of employment. For those of you who may have mislaid your copies I suggest you try looking under the leg of the wonky table behind the filing cabinets marked “alien autopsy samples” just next to the pterodactyl litter-tray.

  7. The official Torchwood policy on food for staff working on site out-of-hours is that it is to be collected, never delivered. This is not just a security issue; representations made by a number of fast-food outlets in the vicinity of certain Torchwood branches makes us concerned that recent incidents relating to deliveries have the potential to create a serious community relations problem for the organisation. As corporate social responsibility is one of the core Torchwood Values we do ask all branches to appreciate the underlying reason for this policy, and to respect it.

  8. Please note that all visitors to Torchwood premises must WITHOUT EXCEPTION sign in on arrival and, if still alive/sentient, sign out on leaving the premises.

  9. All members of this organisation, whatever their role, are equally entitled to the respect and consideration of all other members of the organisation. Very strong representations have been made by the Office Manager that it is inconsiderate and wholly unacceptable for operational staff to leave the remains of deceased Japanese cyberneticists in an advanced state of decomposition for the cleaning staff to remove, without giving any form of prior notice. Any unusual cleaning, fumigation and disposal requests should be agreed between branch managers and the head of facilities management for the relevant region. Form LIS.1a should be used for such requests.




I hope that nothing in the above comes as a surprise to any of you. I also hope that I shall not find myself having to issue this reminder again. Future breaches will be met with a zero tolerance policy.

HR Director For Torchwood Board

For Queen and Country - forward to the stars!


End file.
